Yin and Yang Sisters

Messiness is the topic for this week's Fun Monday. Gattina, our host over at Writer's Cramps ,wants to see a photo of what we'd call our messy place. If I were still working, it would be my entire office. Colleagues used to stick their heads in my work space and mutter something like "You better hope the fire marshal doesn't show up." or "This must be your job security--who would be willing to clear out this place if you were ever fired?" That was some time ago, three years to be exact since I retired.

In my home I live a very pared down existence with minimum stuff to leave messy. However, I do have a messy situation in my life that causes conflict and frustration--the challenge of caring for an older sister with whom I have very little in common. We are the yin and yang sisters.



My sister and I were about the same age, probably 14 or 15, when these photos were taken. M (on the left) is nine years older than I. Recently I've been scanning and organizing family photos and when I studied these photos of us side by side I thought: we are so different on every level. And, it got me thinking about how different our life paths have taken. We could not be further apart in personality and interests. I see these contrasts in our photos and the effects on our relationship now--over 40 years later. Over the past year, my care taking responsibilities for M have grown--to what seems like full time some weeks. This is not how I planned to live out retirement years. I hoped to spend my eagerly anticipated retirement years freely pursuing a quiet, creative, almost scholarly lifestyle. However, that's not my current reality.

My family has never been very close. Now it's only my sister and me left except for a brother in another state who doesn't involve himself in our lives. That's the way it has always been. My sister left school at 16 and stayed home with my parents, working for a few years as a housekeeper/babysitter. She never married, nor did I--one thing we have in common. I loved school and saw an education as the way to ensure a happy independent future for myself. I left home for college and never returned, managing to graduate from college without any support, financial or otherwise, from my family. Work took me to many different places, but never back to my parents' house except for obligatory visits.

After my parents died, M lived independently, which was just the way she liked it. She dealt with some chronic illnesses, but nothing serious. She built a big network of friends, keeping in touch with many people by phone and extensive correspondence. She never learned to drive which was not a big issue in the small town where she lived. I made regular trips to see her and help with any business that she couldn't sort out. I will have to admit that these were strictly duty visits--a stepping up to the plate because no one else would. I became my sister's "fixer."

About this time last year I had to re-locate my sister to Louisville, where I live. She lost her apartment to a fire and her health and ability to manage on her own was declining. We had a rough few months trying to live under one roof. And there was a lot of stress in having to sort out all the red tape of moving her, finding her new housing, and lining up medical and legal provisions for her ongoing care. I did this alone without much cooperation from M. But, after a year, things are on an even keel. My sister enjoys her safe new apartment and the companionship of other women her age in the apartment building. She has good medical care and never has to worry about affording her prescriptions. She spends her days chatting with friends, watching TV, and keeping up her extensive correspondence. I live about 10 minutes from her so am always on call for chauffeuring, shopping, laundressing, business responsibilities. I am my sister's fixer. Most days my "halo" is a bit crooked because I think: how did this happen? And why is it that in every family there plays out this same drama? Mostly though I feel sadness and regret that I've lost the freedom to live the way I always planned without being bound by someone else's needs and expectations.

Now dear readers, this is the closest you'll ever see of me lying on the virtual psychoanalyst's couch on this blog. I usually go for something happier here. But, if we're sharing the "messy" places around us, this yin and yang sister relationship would have to be what I'd write about. What about you? Are you dealing with the same issues? If so, how do you manage?

Be sure to hop over the Gattina's place and see what other messes need tidying up.

(Image credit for yin yang symbol at the top of post: www.redbubble.com )

European Travelogue, Around London

After about six months of planning and doubting whether I should actually go, I finally did fly off to London for the start of a two week, eight country tour of Europe beginning on September 11. If you read my blog, you may recall that over the past few months I've been dealing with some care giving issues for my older sister that culminated with me having to bring her to live with me back in July after her apartment caught on fire. Prior to the fire, I had been making many 400 mile round trips between my home and hers to help her with some medical issues. Since July we've been in a whirlwind of apartment hunting, doctor selection, and transferring all her business affairs to Louisville, my hometown. Meanwhile, I kept thinking about the hefty check I'd written the travel agency for airfare and deposit on the dream European vacation back in March when I thought my sister's situation was stable enough for me to risk overseas travel.

Anyway, I completed all the contingency planning for her--found her a doctor and apartment in Louisville; got living will, power of attorney, and health care surrogate papers drawn up. Hell, I even planned both our funerals in case we either kicked the bucket between September 11-24! I didn't want my friends to have to pick up the slack while I was gallivanting over Europe. . .but wait until I tell you what happens. But that's not in this travelogue until we reach Austria five days into the trip.

I signed up for the European Spotlight tour with Insight Vacations because I like to travel alone, but be around a small group of people during the day for sightseeing. It's like the best of both worlds--you have a lot of the details and hassles taken care of and the safety and company of the group, but you can also go off on your own to explore your own interests. There were about 30 people on this tour from the U.S., Australia, Canada, and South Africa and we grew to like each other on the long bus rides from country to country. We saw parts of England, Belgium, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, and France. In most places we were there for two days so you could get an idea of the places you'd like to return to for a more in-depth visit. Some friends commented that this whirlwind would just give them the bends, but for me it suits my attention span! Plus, when you travel alone you can focus on what you're experiencing without worrying about having to be a good roommate and travel partner!

I captured impressions of the different countries and experiences in a variety of ways. I read tour books and mapped our itinerary. Every day I described our travels and my impressions in a journal--the absolute yummiest yogurt I've ever had was peach-mandarin orange in Amsterdam, most charming men in Italy, most inspiring scenery in Switzerland, most stressful time in Austria. I also wrote postcards to myself from every country so when I got home there were my first hand accounts, complete with each country's unique stamps, waiting for me. I wrote these postcards in cafes, post offices, and sitting on park benches during a lull in the trip. And, I'll admit that everything was viewed as future blog fodder!

And, of course, I took a ridiculous number of photographs--many of them really bad. I'm just experimenting with digital photography and many shots had to be done out the tour bus window. I've "doctored" them a bit with photoshop, but will post them anyway because they tell the story of my trip better than any words I could write.

Finally, here's what I saw around London: I arrived at London Heathrow Airport early Friday morning, September 12. It was an overnight flight from Detroit and miserably hot and boring on the plane because neither the air conditioning nor media systems were working. Clearing immigration involved incredibly long lines, but I finally made it to the spot where I was to meet the shuttle transfer to my hotel. How clever of the English, look closely at this sign. It says "Find Me." No question about where travelers need to congregate to meet their parties or travel on into London.

My hotel in London was within walking distance of the beautiful Hyde Park and great window shopping on Oxford Street. I couldn't get in my room until later in the day, so I set out on my first on-foot exploration and getting ready for the trip, heading down Oxford Street to exchange my U.S. dollars for British pounds sterling. The rate of exchange discouraged me from doing any serious shopping, but there was plenty to see. In last week's post, "Closet Fashionista", on European fashion, I gave you some photos of the fantasy window displays that designers were prepping along Oxford Street for London Fashion Week. And of course I went in Waterstone's, the famous English book sellers. Struck up a conversation with a young woman who was looking at Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. Told her that I envied her getting to read that book for the first time. I also realized that I should have re-read it for this trip because Gilbert's journey included places, like Venice, that I would be seeing.

By mid-afternoon jet lag was setting in badly so I headed back to the Thistle Marble Arch. Killed some more time with a delicious cup of English tea while waiting to get in my room. Once installed, I gave up ambitious plans to get tickets and figure out transportation to Trafalgar Square for a baroque concert at St Martin-in-the-Fields. I listen to performances from St Martin all the time on our public radio stations, but was too tired to manage this on my own--which turned out to be the regret for my time in London. Instead, I caught up on U. S. presidential politics and Gordon Brown's crisis of leadership and watched Hurricane Gustav make it's way across Louisiana and Texas. I also began the nightly ritual that travel mates never understand--dumping out my backpack on the bed and sorting and organizing its contents! You can see that I'm well-supplied for all contingencies and can swing this bag on my back and travel hands free! By 9:00 pm I was out for the night after being awake for almost 48 hours.

The next morning, September 13, I met up with the rest of the tour group for the first time for a guided tour of London, including the obvious sights--Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Houses of Parliament. At my first English breakfast that morning I'd looked at others in the hotel dining room trying to figure out who would be on the tour--and more importantly--would I like them and enjoy their company for 12 days? Right away I got good vibes from a young Canadian woman who was traveling alone as well. Maybe we might be good travel mates?

Our tour began with a swing around Hyde Park. I was thrilled to see the Albert Memorial and exhibition hall. For it was the site for the Great Exhibition of 1851 which highlighted the major advances of the British industrial age. I knew about this place from my beloved BBC series, North and South starring
Richard Armitage as the northern cotton mill owner, John Thornton, who is rejected by Margaret Hale, a southern parson's daughter. Margaret stops to listen admiringly to Thornton talk with other industrialists about their challenges. He spots her and accuses her of thinking that he is an unfair master. Margaret, who by now regrets her decision to not accept his marriage proposal, is obviously hurt and angered by his words. I'm so glad I know the good ending of this story. . .

Here's the Royal Albert Hall, site of the Proms, London's annual music festival. Apparently it's the custom for music lovers to stand on the promenade(?) and just let the rich music pour over them. (Take this explanation with a grain of salt--not exactly sure of my facts, but love the idea of beautiful music available and affordable for the common folk as well as the upper crust!)

Now we're near St. James Park and the Houses of Parliament on a walking tour of the area. We walk past the Churchill Museum which includes the bunkers where Winston Churchill made some of the gravest decisions on behalf of the English people when they were being bombed during World War II.

Near the Foreign Office this simple, but profoundly moving Bali Memorial stands,commemorating the 202 people (28 Britons) from 21 countries who were killed in the 2002 terrorist bombing in Bali. Doves representing each lost life circle the sphere.

We stop on the Parade Ground off Whitehall to watch the Horse Guards Parade. As you can see, this photographer certainly knows how to position herself to get the best shot
of a row of horse butts! Over to the right of the parade ground you can see the guards and guardhouse at the back of 10 Downing Street. From what I saw on the news the night before, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, probably needed them looking as threatening as they did!

Next we walked through the lovely St. James Park with its serene waters and variety of water fowl and recreational areas. From one of the bridges we were able to see this view of Buckingham Palace. Walking out of the park, the tour guide pointed out this English Rose, which honors Princess Diana. She also pointed out where people came to mourn her death, leaving acres of flowers. In Paris we went through the tunnel where Diana and Dody Fayed were killed. It was an eerie feeling, even after the time that has passed.

By this time I'd seen enough monuments, palaces, and churches. I had a date with my favorite Impressionists--Monet, Manet, Degas, Pissaro, Sisley--at the National Gallery on Trafalgar Square. So, I headed out on my own on the 15-20 minute walk to the square. I sat on the gallery steps to rest and listen to some of the performers for Week of Peace--a bit too heavy metal for my taste, but fun to experience with others on the square. Inside the gallery I was excited to see Monet's Bathers at La Grenouillere because I'd just watched the DVD of The Impressionists starring--who else--Richard Armitage as Monet which gave an account of his work on this painting. After a couple of hours enjoying my favs of the Impressionists, I walked over to St. Martin-in-the-Fields Church. How beautiful and peaceful inside. People were wandering around, sitting quietly or praying, taking refuge from the hubbub in the square. Again, I regretted not making the concert the night before.

Late in the day, I called a halt. Hailed one of the nice London cabbies and headed back to the hotel. We talked of Hurricane Gustav and bicycle traffic in London and Louisville on the way back. I was out for the night early because the next morning we had to be on the bus at 5:45 a.m. for the next leg of this European journey.

(As always, you can click on any photo to embiggen--this post was just getting too long. . .)

(If you've enjoyed this tale, check back next week after Fun Monday for the second leg of the journey. We'll go from London to Amsterdam and, maybe, on through the Rhineland.)

Our Time to Care

(Our hostess for this week's Fun Monday is Mommy Wizdom . Mommy Wizdom offers us a rare opportunity to be the ruler of the world--or at least our small part of it--for a day, week, month, or year. If this were indeed a possibility, I'd work on a modern day dilemma that most of us are in the middle of now, or will certainly face in the future--taking care of an aging and/or sick family member, friend or pet.)

It's no secret that we're hanging around longer thanks to better living conditions and access to sometimes heroic medical care. While this is a good thing--I guess--the reality is that eventually most of us will need assistance with everyday living. Where do we turn when we can no longer fix a meal, bathe, pay our bills, drive to an appointment, or understand what the doctor tells us to do?

Most of my real life friends, as well as you friends in the blogosphere, are dealing with the many challenges of care giving for another adult in their immediate family or circle of friends. You provide care and support for an aging parent or parent-in-law who may have lost physical or mental capacity. You step in to help a brother or sister, grown child or friend who is fighting a serious illness. You write about caring for a much loved dog who has lived so many years that his heart, limbs and body functions fail him. But still, with all the infirmities, you see an occasional reminder of the young, playful and mischievous dog that made you laugh or drove you crazy with puppy antics.

How do we manage to give care when it's our time? And, how do we do it without sacrificing our own happiness and quality of life?If I were ruler of my world for even a day, I'd get answers to these questions because I need them now. . .

Over the past couple of months my quiet peaceful life has turned upside down. My only sister, who is ten years older than I, has experienced a serious decline in health over the last few months. I had been driving long distances to take her to the doctor and help with medical and other decisions. Then, on July 9 her apartment building burned, leaving her homeless. Since then, I have moved her into my home until we can figure out what to do about her housing and medical care. Let me just say, if you are accustomed to living alone, there's no house that's big enough for two people. I live on the fringes of my home. My sister has the rest of the house, but longs to be in her own place. The decisions about how aggressively to treat her illness weigh heavily on my shoulders--she has no opinions on this one way or another.

Now I know Mommy Wizdom has great powers, but until my chance to be Ruler for the Day comes along I'll try to apply this quote: "Things that seem hard are not always that hard. Put one foot in front of the other and you'll get to the end." I'd also love to hear how you are dealing with this issue. Leave me some pearls of wisdom with your comments. And, don't forget to check out what other Fun Monday Rulers plan to do when they get the chance to call the shots!

(Image Credit: Venus, Ruler of the World, painting by Giovanni Bellini)